How often we proclaim “I would have…” and then launch into a fantasy narrative in which we shine as the brave, bold hero in a situation that demands action. The reality is that it’s easy to say; not easy to do – we’re often blanched and quelled in the face of adversity or confrontation.

There was a situation years ago in which I was frozen with inaction; I didn’t speak out against sexist remarks that made me feel degraded and disgusted. Noticing my shift in mood, the person I was with at the time ordered me sharply not to say anything; that I was hypersensitive and overreacting. (Ah yes, the old “gaslight and silence the hysterical woman” routine – what a classic.)

I swallowed my words and buried my feelings. The disgust I felt about the behavior that I witnessed turned inward, as I berated myself for not speaking up against the sexism and not standing up to that ex. This would become the pattern of our now thankfully defunct relationship.

During that time I felt so disappointed in myself; repressing emotions and words was making me sick. I continued to smother my thoughts and feelings, burying my truth and dignity until I could no longer bear the weight of the mask and armor of feigned normalcy, and I severed ties.

Though all of this happened many years ago, my silence haunted me – my failure to act resulted in regret, guilt, and shame. I’ve done the work to forgive that past version of myself who didn’t speak up. She didn’t have the self-value that I possess now; she didn’t fully know, appreciate, respect, and embody her self-worth. (She also hadn’t read the life-changing work of Harriet Lerner yet.)

If you have a similar situation that is weighing on you, give yourself permission to set that burden down. None of us are perfect, and life is not a scripted film in which we are the champions in all our challenges. Let’s remove “I would have” from our lexicon so we’re not one-upping or -downing ourselves and others.

We can do the work of affirming our dignity and worth right now with boundaries and compassion; through the ongoing practice of healthy truth-telling, we strengthen our foundation of self-respect.