Fixation

I’ve been struggling with old programming lately – the obsessive loops of fixation and comparison; the fantasies of confrontation and vindication.

I know this is my ego flaring. I know this is because I have not made peace and chosen acceptance, which would result in resolution. I know this is because I am feeling bad about myself and worried about the future so I am comparing both up and down to feed that insecurity and anxiety.

While I am logically aware that this is the perfect time to practice self-compassion, what’s happening instead is that I’m punishing myself for these thoughts with harsh criticism for being envious, petty, selfish, and weak. This is fuel for these mental projections, which thrive off my shame and self-loathing.

How do I get out of my head and into the moment? How do I stay there? How do I keep from wandering back into the muck of my mind? Or if I do slip in, how do I slip out just as quickly with as little damage as possible? How long am I going to keep fighting with myself? Do I have to live with these patterns and obsessions forever? Is that how I’m wired?

Maybe part of my suffering is the struggle to be free. Maybe that’s simply not an option and I have to learn to coexist with the ego and its fixations. To disconnect from the concept of enemy; of The Other.

To make peace. To choose acceptance.

What do you think?

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